My Best and Worst Birthday Ever
It was the fall of 2005 and Hurricane Wilma was coming. Living in Southwest Florida, we had become well drilled in hurricane procedure. But this time, I was 36 weeks pregnant with twins. Low pressure in hurricanes is known to put women into labor, and Wilma packed the lowest pressure in recorded history. So we sought the Lord for wisdom, wanting to carry the twins a little longer. After praying, Jeff and I felt led to evacuate to Orlando for two days.
Jeff had been working three jobs so we could pay a live-in-nanny to help me with our two small children. This nanny, a fellow believer in Christ, was somewhat of a drifter, and considered herself an enigma. With some background working with homeless and gang members, I felt that this was a way to look not only to my own interests, but also to the interests of others. I was reluctant and very prayerful over this, with my family being my first priority. I felt the Lord’s leading through His Word, and still she proved to be a constant challenge. One which I hope was not taken in vain. In hindsight, there came a point where I should have let her go, but we chose to show mercy.
With Wilma approaching, Jeff had one more day of work as a school teacher before classes would be dismissed for hurricane preparations. That morning my normal list of duties for my nanny consisted not of preschool curriculum and menu plans, etc., but rather of hurricane preparations that needed to be accomplished for that day – filling all the empty water jugs I had saved, filling the bath tub, making ice in trays and dumping it into plastic containers as many times as possible, bringing in lawn furniture, etc… She said, “I don’t do hurricanes” and went to her room to watch TV behind closed doors.
At this point, I got angry.
I put a movie on for the kids and went to go calm down. That’s when my body doubled in size in the blink of an eye. I knew then that I must quickly let all anger go and put all my energy into fighting for my babies, and for my family.
Pre-eclampsia/eclampsia was something I had heard of, but I did not know that it was such an emergency situation. We decided to continue with our evacuation plans. Later, a nurse friend told me that having such high blood pressure for two days is damaging to the heart and kidneys. I knew it was true, because I lived with constant chest and back pain after this incident, for more than a year, and still do on occasion.
I also found out later that hormones released when angry act as a catalyst for pre-eclampsia. No one knows the cause for sure, but there are underlying causes, one of which I believe to be kidney problems.
After Wilma passed through, we got the kids settled in our rental home with our nanny, called my former pastor’s wife and friend, who had survived eclampsia two times, and headed to see my nurse midwife. Her first glance at my swollen body led to a quick urine test to confirm what she already knew, pre-eclamsia, and a rush to the neighboring hospital.
It was Friday evening and my hospital room quickly filled with health care professionals. This was new, since my first two births were in birthing centers. I greeted each one and learned their name as they arrived. Sometimes I’ve wondered about this quality I have to endure intense pain and suffering quietly and with a smile. And since I am so skinny to begin with, it must have appeared to them that nothing was wrong with me, despite what they were told. Even my midwife, who I love, characterized my case as mild, based on my demeanor. I beg to differ.
I calmly told them I thought I was ready to push. As had happened in both prior labors, they held back the laughter and calmly went about putting the monitor on me. Several minutes later, someone checked and found my cervix fully effaced and fully dilated. My blood levels also arrived and were referred to as border line, whatever that meant. The doctor had arrived and quickly found, via ultrasound, both babies were breech. This very contemporary doctor, who avoids C-sections when at all possible, advised that we have a C-section. We asked for a few minutes to pray. My former pastor’s wife arrived. I thank God for her.
The doctor returned only to tell us that if I delivered naturally, the way the babies were positioned, there was a good chance their heads could get interlocked. He said that the head of one baby would have to be cut off to save the other, and that he would not do that.
My response was, “let’s go”!
I was surprised at how quickly things progressed from there.
On the operating table I quoted Philippians 1:21, For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Someone in the room said, “Amen”.
And then they were born. Jeremiah and then Jacob.
I was shown Jacob’s face. He was afraid. Jeff soon told me that he was not breathing well, to pray. The nurse working on him was in a near panic, when my midwife left helping sew me up to bring Jacob to rest on my chest. Immediately, he calmed, and his breathing normalized.
The next two days, I was dealing internally with knowing how sick I was and not telling anyone. My doctor and nurse midwife were gone for the weekend, and I was glad. I had watched my mother die at the hands of doctors, and I was not quick to sign up for the same. And I was convinced that if I stayed, that I would never make it out. Tests results viewed the next week revealed severe anemia. My midwife called to tell me to come back to receive blood. I also knew that I had a twisted bowel. Either would require a longer hospital stay and further medical interventions. I did not have insurance, and I was not willing to rack up an enormous medical bill, only to die, and leave that added burden on my family. So I decided to stay my two days, through Sunday night, and then go home, trusting Jesus alone to heal me.
During those two days, I remember two happenings. My new pastor’s wife visited with a plant and a check. Someone in the church had anonymously given money to our family through the church that amounted to almost the exact amount of our hospital stay. Moments after Jeff was given the check, the financial rep from the hospital entered our room for payment. Jeff, still holding the check, handed it to him or her and praised God. I’m guessing it had been made out to the hospital. What’s more, the bill was around $5000 (to my memory), but the moment we stepped foot out of the hospital without paying, the bill would have instantly become approximately $30,000. Thank God.
I also remember my former pastor’s wife bringing my daughter Joy to see me. While she was there, Jeff called his family to tell them the news. I told him to tell his Dad that they were his first grandsons. He said to me, “Honey, what about Josiah?” I thought to myself, “Why does that name sound so familiar?” Josiah is my first son, and he was two at the time. My sweet Siah, how could I forget? It would take me a year before I was able to relearn my own name. I still hesitate at times when meeting new people. I still run across people who act like they know me, who I have no idea who they are. My IQ had once ranked in the top 1% of our nation, and now I was certainly humbled. (I didn’t know whether or not to include that, but there it is.) I think I accomplish more now with less ability. It’s really largely about having a willing heart, though I’ve certainly put priority to relearning the Word of God. Even that, I was not able to do for quite some time.
As I prepared to return home from the hospital, I began to throw up. I knew my Mom had done this just before dying, and felt sure that I was not sick to my stomach, but rather dying. I kept my thoughts to myself, and despite nurses pleading with me to stay through the night to see the doctor in the morning, I resolved to go home.
Jeff was exhausted from the previous months and exhilarated at the birth of our twins, and was truly unaware of how sick I really was. Two days after returning home, on my 33rd birthday, I was alone in my bed, when all my senses began to fade away. I knew this was it. And I remember looking at my dresser, which I had worried about the clutter on it so much during my bed rest, and thinking, “What a waste of time that was! I should have spent that time praying or writing.” Then my spirit left this world and was instantly in the presence of indescribable love. It was as if I was a new born baby, eyes closed, being held in the arms of love. It is truly indescribable.
I have no idea how long I tarried here, but briefly, and with my family in mind I quoted Philippians 1:22-24, the verses following the one I quoted on the operating table.
(NLT) But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.
In this place the word of God flows freely. There was no effort to remember it. Then I just asked God to “let me be a Mom to my children.”
Instantly, I was back in my body. Since I was 19 or 20 years old, I had longed to be in God’s presence in heaven. I thought his call to go to the middle east years before as a missionary was maybe an answer to that longing. Not so. And here I was in a place that no one would ever want to leave, and yet my babies, they needed me. Jeff, he needed me. I am so thankful that God graciously allowed me to return to my responsibilities. But it has not been easy.
For at least a year after this, I had daily seizures, constant chest and back pains, and swelling in my extremeties whenever I did any work. My blood was so sparce, it seemed to slosh around in my body, especially when I raised my hands. But the greatest pain by far, was the inability to be the wife and mom that I wanted to be.
God has faithfully and graciously healed me one thing at a time, and given me the grace and inner strength I’ve needed in the in-betweens. I’ve learned that being a capable, godly women does not always equate with doing everything needed perfectly with a positive attitude. I have struggled intensely. But it is that struggle, that fight, to not give in to sin, that I have come to believe that God sees and loves. There have been times when others may see in me the struggle to be a good Mom and judge me depressed or a mean Mom. And their judgments were probably accurate. When I am dealing with pain in my body, and a messy house because I have to be careful not to do too much or my chest pains worsen, and the normal sinful nature of now five beautiful children, what comes out of me is not always loving. And again, I think this has been the greatest pain I have endured. But God will gently remind me of His love for me, that He sees me and knows me, that He’s helping me, and that He is my defense.
Okay.
That’s part of my story. Not easy to share, but I do it with the sincere desire to bring glory to God and that something within these words will help someone – to get through their struggle, to trust in God’s love, to believe in His power to raise the dead, to have the hope of heaven, of spending eternity alive with One who gave His life as a payment for our many sins.
Ephesians 2:1-10
Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil-the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else.
But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus.
God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
Bitter to Sweet
My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh which lies all night between my breasts.
In a large Bible opened in the chapel my husband and I were married in, the words of this verse from Song of Solomon 1:13 caught my attention, even while our five small children circled the sanctuary freely behind us.
Boy did this verse seem to say it all – to characterize these ten years of marriage and more so, these last ten years of loving Jesus.
What I knew of myrrh at that point was twofold – (1) a costly gift to a king by magi from the East more than 2000 years ago, and (2) an expensive burial spice to anoint that same king Jesus. A symbol of royalty, and a symbol of suffering and death. Certainly, Jesus is the King of kings, and surely did he suffer and die for you and me.
And just as John the Baptist foretold, Jesus baptized his followers, not with water, but with the Holy Spirit and with fire. The fire of suffering and trial. Imagine watching the man you followed for three years, seeing Him perform countless miracles and hearing the grace that poured from His lips, and feeling the indescribable love of His Father. Imagine watching Him tried, scourged, mocked, beaten, following at a distance along the Via de la Rosa to where He suffered a piercing death on a tree. Not only were the disciples so beyond exhaustion at trying to keep in step with God incarnate, but now, how their hearts were shattered, their dreams dead, their King crucified, leaving only confusion and bitterness.
Before I married, Jesus had become my King, and in seeking to know Him more, I had embraced the fellowship of His sufferings.
Then God called me to marry and follow my Jeff. Not only have these years with Jeff shown me a noble heart up close, but they have taken me through many hard places.
So now, I decided to look further into the Biblical significance of myrrh. What I found would only deepen my convictions. Looking in my Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance, I discovered that part of myrrh’s definition is bitter, as in the wine mixed with myrrh that soldiers tried to give Jesus on the cross.
Wait a minute. I understand embracing the lordship of Christ, as well as the fellowship of sufferings, but bitterness?
Also, associated with myrrh’s definition and it’s primary root were these words – grieved, angry, discontented.
Certainly, we are not to embrace any of these poisons near the heart, but I personally have spent much time and energy battling to defeat these viscous enemies of the soul.
And I am not alone.
Peter was so committed to Christ that he felt sure he was ready to die for Him. After denying three times that he even knew Jesus, Peter went out and wept bitterly.
So can these intense negative emotions serve a purpose?
Well, I also found that myrrh defined is distilling as drops.
Yes, that’s it!
This baptism of suffering and trial is for our purification. The second part of Hebrews 12:10 tells us that God disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. God’s refining process in our lives readies us for more of His Holy Spirit.
But this amazing grace available to us all to experience more of God, though given, it is not a given.
Jesus tells Peter in Luke 22:31+32, “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”
When he turned again — repentance.
Do you recall the waters of Marah found in Exodus 15:23?
And when they (the people of Israel) came to Marah, they could not drink the waters of Marah,for they were bitter; therefore it was named Marah (i.e. bitterness). So the people grumbled at Moses, saying, “What shall we drink?”
Then he cried out to the LORD, and the LORD showed him a tree; and he threw it into the waters, and the waters became sweet.
And on in verse 26, And He said, “If you will give earnest heed to the voice of the LORD your God, and do what is right in His sight, and give ear to His commandments, and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have put on the Egyptians; for I, the LORD, am your healer.”
The tree that Moses was shown to throw into the bitter waters foreshadowed the cross of Jesus Christ.
We can apply the cross of Jesus Christ to our bitter hearts and they will be made sweet!
The anger and discontentment associated with the loss I have experienced these past ten years, watching dreams die, loved ones die, suffering physical pain and death, rejection and hatred, well, I can see now that the continual act of turning back to God, dying to myself, and embracing the cross – I have been crucified with Christ- has resulted in more sweetness inside of me. Now I would like if that was a pure sweetness, but I confess a great need for God to continue His work on me.
So how do we apply the cross of Christ to the bitterness of our hearts?
Well, first of all, it is by faith.
Jesus said in John 16:10, “Righteousness is available because I go to the Father, and you will see me no more.
Hebrews 11:1+2 tells us: Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
For by it (faith) the men of old gained approval or literally, obtained a testimony.
And in Romans 4:3 For what does the Scripture say? “AND ABRAHAM BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS RECKONED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS.”
When I was first learning how to walk in the Holy Spirit, I was living with three other college-aged women. During that time, I had done something to make them all mad at me. Fortunately, I do not remember what I did wrong, but I do remember God’s comfort, counsel, and encouragement.
I was sitting in my Dad’s cotton field, it was harvest time, when God asked me this, “Do you believe that my death on the cross was enough to pay for your sins?”
I knew He wasn’t wanting me to just answer from my head, so I searched my heart and then said, “yes, I do.” God responded, “then act like it.”
Okay.
Returning back to our rental house, where the air was thick, I knew it was expected of me that I would be heavy under the guilt of my sin and the condemnation of my roommates.
Instead, I chose to have the joy of the Lord, coming from a belief in His unconditional love and forgiveness of me, a sinner.
I’m not suggesting being insensitive to others, we are to seek forgiveness and reconciliation when we hurt others. But if they will not give it, God certainly will!
I also think of Psalms 18:37 where David says, “I pursued my enemies and overtook them, and I did not turn back until they were consumed.”
And in Psalm 44:5 it says,
Through Thee we will push back our adversaries; through Thy name we will trample down those who rise up against us.”
Now does this mean that if someone hurts us that we take revenge? Of course not!
Romans 12:19 tells us:
Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room (lit. give a place) for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.
So what enemies do I have in mind? Well, in this case, the enemies were the unbelief found in my own heart, as well as condemnation.
And how did I fight these enemies?
By the Word of God.
Romans 8:1 says, There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
John 6:47 says, “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes has eternal life.
And many more like Scriptures.
So faith in the cross of Jesus Christ to cover my sins is the first mode of attack. Second comes forgiving others. By forgiving others, we show our faith through obedience to His Word.
In Matthew 6:14+15 Jesus tells us this, “For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.
And again Jesus explains this to us in Matthew 18:21-35.
Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
“No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
“Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold–along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned–to pay the debt.
“But the man fell down before his master an begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.
“But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
”His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.
“When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
“That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
Jesus rejected the wine mixed with myrrh on the cross. He refused to hold unforgiveness in His heart. He is our example. He is who we as christians are to follow. We can look to the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was raised up and crucified on a tree, at the crossroads for all the world to see, and be healed – healed from the bitterness in our hearts. I tell you, I don’t think I’m alone when I say that there have been many times when this was an intense struggle. And though I would forgive by faith, by choice, often the bad feelings remained. So over and over again I read Scriptures on forgiveness, I prayed for God’s help, I wrote out on paper offenses of others and would write a cross over them. I asked others to pray for me, and back through the whole process again – the distilling process.
It has been work pursuing this enemy of my soul, but like David, I have been determined to not give up until unforgiveness was gone from my heart. And now, when new offenses come my way, I can move quickly down this road well trodden.
Listen, don’t give up on this. You can obey God.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4
Are you mourning today the death of a loved one, the death of a dream, the death of a friendship? God wants to comfort you. The Holy Spirit is a comforter.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8
Do you want to see God move in your life and the life of your family, your friends? God wants to reveal Himself to you. The Holy Spirit is a counselor.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:3
Are you discouraged today, hurting, depressed, needing hope and direction? God wants to help you. The Holy Spirit is an encourager.
Have you believed in Jesus to forgive you of your sins? Today you can ask Jesus, who died on the cross to pay for your sins, to come into your heart and make it sweet.
Jesus offers us a brand new life in Him. A life full of meaning and full of love. If this is the desire of your heart, pray with me now.
Dear Father, thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die in my place, for my sins. Come into my heart and forgive my sins, and help me to become the person you want me to be. Amen.
Have you already been born again? Do you long to have the trials and suffering that have been in your life turn out for good and for God’s glory? Let’s pray.
Father, thank you for sending Jesus to be my Saviour. Make my bitter heart sweet. Thank you for the trials You’ve given. Help my life to bring You glory. Amen.
Able Offering
The fragrant beauty of giving everything we can to Jesus stands in stark contrast to attempting to use Jesus to manipulate our selfish desires.
Reading in Mark 14 today, I was struck by the sequence of events two days before Jesus would be crucified. Let’s read.
| Mar 14:3 | Meanwhile, Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon, a man who had leprosy. During supper, a woman came in with a beautiful jar of expensive perfume.[fn1] She broke the seal and poured the perfume over his head. |
| Mar 14:4 | Some of those at the table were indignant. “Why was this expensive perfume wasted?” they asked. |
| Mar 14:5 | “She could have sold it for a small fortune[fn2] and given the money to the poor!” And they scolded her harshly. |
| Mar 14:6 | But Jesus replied, “Leave her alone. Why berate her for doing such a good thing to me? |
| Mar 14:7 | You will always have the poor among you, and you can help them whenever you want to. But I will not be here with you much longer. |
| Mar 14:8 | She has done what she could and has anointed my body for burial ahead of time. |
| Mar 14:9 | I assure you, wherever the Good News is preached throughout the world, this woman’s deed will be talked about in her memory.” |
| Mar 14:10 | Then Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests to arrange to betray Jesus to them. |
| Mar 14:11 | The leading priests were delighted when they heard why he had come, and they promised him a reward. So he began looking for the right time and place to betray Jesus. |
Some phrases stick out to me today.
*doing such a good thing to me*
And the next is related:
*she has done what she could*
When I think of pursuing the Proverbs 31 woman, it is with the motive to do this for Jesus. And I do not think that means I have to be everything that this amazing woman is all at once or all the time. I believe that giving Jesus our all is to use what resource we have to give to Him. For instance, a woman in a wheel chair can be a Proverbs 31 woman just the same as a woman who has the ability to walk, etc. Though the godly woman seen in Proverbs 31 is defined as an able woman, again, I believe that a woman in a wheel chair is able to give her all to Jesus the same way I can. Now that will look a lot different. And don’t all of us have disabilities, though they may not be as apparent. I scored high on my IQ tests; however, I am a VERY slow reader, and I could not read with someone looking over my shoulder if my life depended on it. I get nervous going through the self checkout, which is why I usually avoid them. But I think organic chemistry is awesome. Babies scare me and I don’t like to sing in public, but public speaking is like candy to me (if I liked candy).
Anyway, my point is that whatever I have as far as my time, energy, giftings, money, etc., I have the opportunity in this life to give it all to Jesus.
Now, at different times in my life, that looks different. Right after having a baby or while going through some physical illness, I will not be running around like a busy bee serving everyone. But during times of health and stability, I can manage to accomplish many things. God knows and I know what I am able to give. And I usually don’t worry too much about how others judge my performance. I do worry about this at times, but know that I should never really be concerned about it. My first life verse was “walk before Me and be blameless.” God sees my heart and my offering.
The next phrase that stood out to me was this:
*this woman’s deed*
What I do for Jesus is important.
I was not planning on being a wife or a Mom. God delivered me from an abusive relationship when I was nineteen. I found Jesus to truly be all I needed and wanted. My life, I thought was to be offered to Him in full time missionary service. Then God brought me home and unmistakably called me to marry my Jeff. What a blessing! And what a baptism! And then He called me to raise my beautiful children. Though what I do does not come natural to me, and is never easy for me, I do it for Jesus.
I am not trying to boast. My heart here is to encourage anyone who may struggle with this Proverbs 31 woman to stop looking at what you cannot do or what you fail at, and focus on giving Jesus what you can. He will see and remember. I also want to discourage us from using Jesus to gain money or status. Both types of devotion will be seen for what they are during times of great trial.
Going back to the passage in Mark, I find it incredible that Judas left to betray Jesus immediately after witnessing this beautiful woman give her all to Jesus. Many of the disciples, probably including Judas, were indignant at her offering, but Jesus was not.
I have specific reasons for having a big family, that I hope to write about soon, and I know that many, if not most, people these days do not value this the same way I do. However, my convictions are strong, and I don’t want to let others opinions stop me from doing good to Jesus.
Okay, my older children are needing attention. Their rest time is over.
Confessions of a Proverbs 31 Woman
The pastor of my church, Experience Life, is going through a new series entitled Confessions of a Pastor. The messages can be heard at experiencelifenow.com. The first message on Easter was very moving. And so now I’ve decided to follow his lead and do the same. I don’t ever want to come across as someone who is perfect. I am not. Only Jesus is that. And if Jesus can save me and give me hope and help in living this life, and particularly living life as a wife and a mom, then he can help anyone.
The first message was subtitled “I struggle with the same sins over and over again.” The pastor talked about four sins that he battles with. Then three other of our pastors did the same. As they talked, a cross was built behind them, and they each nailed their sins to the cross. The congregation was then encouraged to do the same at crosses placed throughout the skating rink that we meet in.
My list went on and on. Here I will only share four sins that I struggle with over and over that specifically relate to being a godly wife and mom. The hope is that you will relate to me in my struggles and be able to find the pursuit of a Proverbs 31 Woman as being practical and relevant.
1. I struggle over and over with speaking to my husband disrespectfully.
2. I struggle over and over with blaming my husband when things go wrong.
3. I struggle over and over with impatience with my children that is expressed in an unloving tone of voice.
4. I struggle over and over with not taking time to strengthen myself, i.e. exercise.
In Romans chapters 6-8, Paul, the author of most of the New Testament, writes about his struggle with sin and how to overcome it by surrender to Jesus Christ. If you have not read it, you can read it here http://www.blueletterbible.org/Bible.cfm?b=Rom&c=6&v=1&t=NLT#top.
I am surrendering these areas of my life to Christ and trusting Him to help me to overcome.
I encourage you to do the same.
| Rom7:15 | I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. |
| Rom 7:16 | I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. |
| Rom 7:17 | But I can’t help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. |
| Rom 7:18 | I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to, but I can’t. |
| Rom 7:19 | When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. |
| Rom 7:20 | But if I am doing what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. |
| Rom 7:21 | It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. |
| Rom 7:22 | I love God’s law with all my heart. |
| Rom 7:23 | But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. |
| Rom 7:24 | Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin?[fn3] |
| Rom 7:25 | Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. |
| Rom 8:1 | So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. |
| Rom 8:2 | For the power[fn1] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you[fn2] through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. |
Pond Avalanche
Here is a picture of the avalanche that John survived – or was revived from. The pile of rocks is about 2/3 of the rocks that fell. The rest are still on the bottom.
John and Baptist Alive
Getting ready to bring the kids in for nap, I look over at the pond and notice a large pile of rocks had fallen into the pond. Quickly, I counted noses on the other side of the fenced pond area, and finding all I began to inquire about what happened and when. No one seemed to know.
Oh dear. Are the fish okay?
We have two fish, a large one named John, and his smaller companion named Baptist.
We gathered around the pond, only to find Baptist huddled behind the pump.
I told the kids to go to nap, put Jorryn down, and grabbed the old mop on the porch. With the handle, I pried a large rock from the hint of orange at the bottom, exposing part of John’s side. There was no movement at all.
Grieved, I rushed back in to take care of Jorryn, who picked up my cold.
I went into the boys room and told them that John had died. I let them talk for a while, then Jeremiah said that we needed to pray that God would bring him back.
Okay, Miah. And we prayed.
“Now lay down, and God bless your nappy.”
I usually spend the first 30 minutes of nap time walking and playing with Jorryn, but she was very groggy, and the Holy Spirit told me to put her down.
Now grabbing the pond gloves from the shed, I began to peel the rocks off the bottom of the pond. I dreaded doing this, but I couldn’t just leave it.
Two, three, four good sized rocks and…….. a wiggle!
What? With all the moss I was kicking up, I wasn’t sure. So I waited ’til I could see another rock and continued bringing them up and out.
Soon John emerged. Shaken, but alive!
Baptist rushed to his side. Then I rushed to get the water hose, and put the shower nozzle on it. John loves to swim under the shower of water while I fill the pond. And I noticed his left side was covered with moss.
Slow at first, he soon made his way under the drops of comfort.
Now I don’t know if John was really dead. All I know is there was no wiggle.
I know God has the power to raise the dead. But whether this is one of those times or not, I don’t know. Whatever, we are glad to have John back. And we are thankful for the faith of a child.
what Proverbs 31 is to me
Proverbs 31 is to me:
*a source of inspiration, thanksgiving, and gladness
*a reminder of what I’m to be doing
*a heart check, reminding me of the attitude God desires me to have while I’m doing
*a reminder that God highly values what I do
*part of the inspired, living, breathing Word of God; and therefore, a way for me to converse with God
*a dance
Proverbs 31 is to me NOT:
*a source of condemnation
*a way to earn my salvation
*a source of sadness, guilt, or frustration
*a reminder of God’s disapproval of me
*just a skillful poem
*a trap
Is this because I have arrived? NO!
I certainly have not arrived. I am still becoming and will be til the day I die.
And still, what a loving thing for my Father to do for me, to give me direction on how He wants me to live this life in my role as a wife, and what He values and finds gladness in concerning my life. I think it’s great. And I can know from passages like Romans 6-8 that God did not give this portion of the Bible to me to condemn me, but rather to help me. And I can know from passages like Hebrews 11 that it is faith in Jesus Christ that pleases God. What Jesus did for me in His life on earth and on the cross pleased the Father. I accept that.
God is good.
Slower Pace
Just a note to say that a recent back injury has slowed my pace. I’m not complaining. I think it is just what we’ve needed. It’s good for life to slow down sometimes. I do fine when I stand straight, it’s the bending over that gets me. So I don’t plan on writing much until this gets worked out, for it takes longer for me to take care of my family, which comes first.
Well, I’m off to make whole grain pancakes http://www.tammysrecipes.com/easy_whole_grain_pancakes with Joy for in the morning, while the boys play in the sandstorm outside.
Blessings
K.O.R.E. Report
Here is our latest e-mail from one of our pastors in India. Please pray about being a part of what God is doing there.
My Dear spiritual brother and sister K.O.R.E. ministry founder director Greetings to you in the most wonderful and precious name of our Lord and SaviorJesus Christ…Brother how are you. We believe you and your family are all well by the grace of god.How is my sister Tami health and kids Joy Josiah Jeremiah and Jacob and Jorryn.We are all well by your prayers. Lalitha and new boy are all happy please pray for Lalitha health. Brother I am sorry for delay the mail. Because we have the last 5days ministry trip with gods blessing. We distributed the 350 New Testament bibles to our tribal believers. We preach the gospel and we spread the message of our lord Jesus Christ by motorcycle many of others came to there and they savior. We like to do more for our kore ministry so please pray for it. We believe your prayers will be with us in our work.How is your country economy seems. We pray for your economy position. All orphans and widows church believers pastors teachers pray for you and your family ministry you’re every work. Every Sunday we are doing worship in Harja Thanda very well in others days I am going to balampally, koturu, adavidevulapally, and surrounding villages. We are all praying for your every work. Please pray for our orphans and widows and ministry.Thank you Brother and sisterYours in HIS K.O.R.E. ServiceBro.Hariya&LalithaBai
A Joyful Cross?
Our church continued the series on Drowning in Debt this weekend. It was very challenging to me. This week was about joyful giving. Great. I’m a giver. I’ve experienced the joy in giving many times. So I thought I would just nod in agreement every few minutes and be off.
Well, not so fast.
The Holy Spirit put His finger on an area in my heart that is not right. I realized that the last several months, when we give to our orphans, I was doing it grudgingly.
There it is. The ugly truth.
But God was not revealing this in order to condemn me, but rather to free me.
You see, when I would look at all the numbers, what I was seeing was food on my table, for my children, going away. I envisioned eating beans every night (would that be so bad?!), and slaving at the stove (whah!).
The worries of this life and the lure of wealth were choking out the life in me (Matthew 13:22). I had no joy in giving.
I cried out to the Lord for Him to change my heart.
This is what He spoke to me:
If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. Matthew 10:38
Oh!
Doing more work and eating food I did not really want, so that the orphans could have food, this is a cross that I have been given to bear. And just like Jesus, after everything I’ve been through on the way to this cross, it is too heavy for me to bear alone. And still:
“…my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:30
Truly, when I take His yoke upon me, this burden is easy. Even this morning, God helped me to get up early to spend time with Him and find the strength needed for this day.
I’m already starting to sense the joy in giving return. However, as I think of Jesus on the way to be nailed to a cross, having been beaten to near death already, I don’t think He had joy in that moment. It was for the joy set before Him that He endured the cross (Hebrews 12:2). It was the joy on the other side of the cross, that He saw by faith, that gave Him the strength to endure such brutality at the hands of evil men. It was the joy of knowing what he was accomplishing for sinful man. It was the joy in knowing that He was pleasing His Father.
So I may not feel like giving, and I may not have joy while I’m pushing the limits of this body, but I can find strength to endure when I think of all that is being accomplished. Not only are orphans being fed, the gospel is being preached to many villages that have never heard the Good News. People are being saved and baptized. These people are as treasure in the field of this world, worth doing whatever I can do to purchase.
By the way, though the numbers have looked like we would just be eating beans for some time now, and though we do eat beans a lot, we do not eat them all the time. God in His undeserved lovingkindness always seems to find a way to change the numbers.
And if you are reading this and know me personally, I am not looking to be rescued. I am looking to God to change my heart and make me strong in Him, full of life and joy, being rich beyond measure. No gift of money could do that for me now.
Blessings
Fortunate
The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure that a man discovered hidden in a field. In his excitement, he hid it again and sold everything he owned to get enough money to buy the field.
Matthew 13:44
When you have five small children…
When you have five small children…
taking care of your plants means removing dead leaves once every couple of weeks.
When you have five small children…
finding a particular article of clothing means not looking in the closet or dresser, but rather looking in the various piles of clean clothes on their way to the closet or dresser.
When you have five small children…
cleaning the garage becomes a goal that is always in the distant, far distant, future.
When you have five small children…
if you want clean floors, they will be cleaned daily, or sometimes hourly.
When you have five small children…
you realize that you and your husband will hold hands again when you’re fifty or something.
When you have five small children…
you realize that sleep is mostly optional.
When you have five small children…
some people stop in public and adore you.
When you have five small children…
some people stop in public and shake their heads.
When you have five small children…
you have lots of towels.
When you have five small children…
you have lots of smiles.
When you have five small children…
you laugh a lot.
When you have five small children…
you cry a lot.
When you have five small children…
you pray a lot.
When you have five small children…
life is full!
I’ve had a stomach virus for a couple of days, so I’m home with Jorryn. Jeff took everyone else to church. This is the first time I’ve felt well enough to do anything. I just read yesterday. I don’t remember the last time that happened. I guess when you have five small children, getting sick is kinda like getting a break.
Assaulting Debt
It turned out that Jacob only had an iwantmymommy ache and not a tummy ache. Before I get to Phillip, I want to recommend to anyone who is in debt and considering buying a puppy to wait. Get out of debt first. Dogs are expensive. Seriously.
Jeff and I are so excited about the series at our church now called Drowning in Debt. We have been praying for years to get out of debt, to have a house paid off, etc. After listening to this series I know that our debt, thanks to God, is not as much as most, but it is still more than I’m comfortable with.
We had just been rethinking how to best tackle our debt and we had decided to apply our tax refund to our debt with the least payment and not to the one with the highest interest. This would allow more room in our monthly budget to apply to other debt or needs. Then in the message this weekend, Chris shared how Dave Ramsey suggested applying the Snowball Effect. After church, I started punching numbers and concluded that for this family of seven on one income, it is possible for us to be completely debt free, including our mortgage in ten years.
This is such an answer to prayer, as we really want to apply the money we make to further God’s kingdom in the earth, not just to monthly payments! There is a light at the end of this tunnel.
Just click the Experience Life link on my sidebar to go to my church’s website, and download the messages.
Sounds like Philip will have to wait another day, for I hear baby in the background. Joy and Josiah are busy painting planets and pine trees and the twins are sleeping.
